Facebook birthday notification handy reminder to delete that guy you met once at uni

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A study has found that Facebook’s birthday notifications serve as excellent reminders that you have no idea who half of the people on your friends list actually are.

Professor Martine Camberwell, 34, who led the study, explained: “Our research concluded that Facebook birthday alerts are rarely, if ever, used for their intended purpose. They now exist solely to remind people to quietly get rid of that guy they drunkenly told to ‘add me’ after an ill-advised snog at a Fresher’s week foam party 10 years ago.”

Study subject, Anna Williams, 29, said: “In the last month alone, I’ve deleted my primary school friend Ellen’s ex-stepmother, a work acquaintance from a bar job one summer in Magaluf and someone I can’t place who calls themselves ‘Sunshine Riverbeam’. I have no idea who they used to be or what’s gone wrong in their life, and now I don’t have to find out.”

“Do I feel bad deleting people on their birthdays?”

“Nah. My gift to them is trimming the fat out of their lives – I’m sure in the long run, I’m doing them a favour and I hope people are doing the same to me.”

Sunshine Riverbeam said: “What the hell? I thought we were close! Anna’s updates were the only slivers of joy in my deeply miserable life. This is the worst birthday ever.”

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and The Mash Report. Sara makes it her business to be at least five years behind the latest trends, so she can devote more time to her Tamagotchi.