Woman working alone in Starbucks forced to choose between table and bladder

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A Reading woman working alone in a local Starbucks has been forced to wet herself, rather than give up her hard-won table.

Freelance designer, Kim Berg, 26, found herself facing the impossible dilemma after scoring an unusually excellent seat in the coffee chain.

“How often do you find a seat that’s in a nice, quiet nook, with a comfy chair, a plug socket and a table at perfect laptop height?” Kim demanded. “Never, that’s how often. I couldn’t believe my luck.”

“However, in order to use Starbucks as my de facto office and not have the barista stare daggers at me every time he walked past, I ordered a venti macchiato, AKA the ridiculous monster size that no rational person would ever finish. I lasted about half an hour before I started to need a wee so badly my vision turned yellow.”

“I was also really anxious from the coffee, which only made me need the loo more. It was a perfect storm of urinary triggers.”

Kim then found herself in the difficult position of having to choose between her ideal work setup and the future use of some pretty vital internal organs.

“I can’t stress how brilliant this table was,” insisted Kim. “There was even a lovely view over the river, which, to be fair, was calming when I sat down but really ended up making things worse.”

“I guess I could have asked a stranger to look after my stuff, but there was no guarantee that they wouldn’t steal my laptop – or worse, the table.”

“In the end, I thought ‘treat it like a marathon’. If Paula Radcliffe can shit herself and keep on running, then there’s no reason I can’t piss myself and carry on working.”

“Sure I got some funny looks,” concluded Kim, “but I’m not ruling out the possibility that they were just hovering to see if I’d leave so they could have my seat. Fat chance. It’s been three weeks and I’m still here. Could somebody order me another coffee?”

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and The Mash Report. Sara makes it her business to be at least five years behind the latest trends, so she can devote more time to her Tamagotchi.