Health & Fitness

Four Easter eggs to buy for your nephew and then eat all at once yourself in your car

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As the old saying goes, it’s the thought that counts; and you briefly thought about giving the four Easter eggs you bought to your nephew, Josh, so karmically speaking, he’s already scoffed the lot, leaving you free to eat his leftovers (and by leftovers, we mean all four eggs, simultaneously, before you’ve even left the car park).

Waitrose milk chocolate egg with chocolate caramels

Treat Josh (and by Josh, we mean you) to something a bit fancier with this delicious Waitrose egg. If you forget to throw the box away, you can always reuse it as a second glove compartment. Don’t feel guilty, he’ll get loads of Easter eggs.

Cadbury Twirl egg with 2x Twirl bars

A child’s classic: enjoy the crumbly goodness of Twirl as you think about that time you gave Josh a water gun for his birthday and your sister said you were “deliberately planting ideas of aggressive patriarchal violence in his mind”.

Mars egg with 2x Mars bars

Chocolate, nougat, caramel; what’s not to like? Let this signal the end of a three-month diet that only lets you eat celery and peanut butter, and that you only started because Josh’s dad once referred to you as “Mara’s fat sister”. You’re not exactly a twig yourself, Darren.

Hotel Chocolat champagne Easter egg with champagne truffles

Go on, treat yourself. You don’t have a son, but you do have a delicious Easter egg and who even NEEDS A BABY, MUM?! GET OFF MY BACK.

Eleanor Morton

Eleanor Morton is a Scottish stand-up comedian, actor and writer, who has appeared on BBC Radio 4 and BBC Radio Scotland, as well as supporting Frankie Boyle and Stewart Francis on tour.