Woman who tried new perfume now only able to communicate through luxurious montage of enigmatic sentences

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A woman from Doncaster, reported missing three months ago, has astounded her friends and family after being found alive and well.

Flora Atkin, 28, had been living in luxury in the French Riveria the whole time, though how she exactly got there is a mystery to all, herself included. The very last thing she remembers is trying her newly purchased perfume for the first time.

Her sister, Hannah Ditchfield, 30, explained: “It was a set I’d bought her at Christmas that I thought she’d returned during the sales like she usually does. She was spraying away in her bedroom and the next thing she knew, she’d woken up on board a boat, with a wardrobe of completely impractical but beautiful clothes.”

Upon flying out to join her in France, her family found that she moved and held herself like a completely different person: “She’d be throwing herself around with moves and striking poses I never saw her do on the dance floor at Yates’ Wine Bar when we went out together. Really fluid, like,” lamented Hannah.

The perfume manufacturer, Millenaire Maldorant, themselves have yet to comment, but the matter is being investigated by The Fragrance Shop Outlet Store in Doncaster, where the perfume was purchased by Hannah.

Shop manager, Barry Walker, 58, said: “Though you can spell France with the letters in ‘fragrance’, we’ve yet to find solid proof that any of the products here caused Flora’s temporary memory loss or trip abroad. Please can people stop coming and trying to buy the same perfume. We’ve had queues out the doors and I haven’t had a tea break in days!”

Flora, meanwhile, is slowly adjusting back to life in northern England again. She still finds herself occasionally looking wistfully towards a non-existent camera lens.

Though her Yorkshire accent, and her previously chatty mannerisms, have yet to return, she seems unconcerned by her new vague and philosophical way of speaking.

When asked for comment, Flora said: “Who am I? I’m still finding out.”

Lucy Roper

Lucy works full time for the BBC (any views expressed here are her own, unless you really dislike them) and is a part-time stand-up. She made it to the final of the Laughing Horse New Act Of The Year 2015, and has been largely unsuccessful since.