World record! Housemate’s boyfriend manages to outstay welcome for four years

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A London woman has reported that, as of Monday, her housemate’s boyfriend has officially outstayed his welcome in a three-bed professional house share for four years. 

“In the last four years, I have had three different jobs,” explained Emily Blackwell, 29. “I have dated six different guys.”

“I even went travelling to Thailand for four months; I saw elephants; I tried new types of noodle; I branched out into some new filters on Instagram. Then I come home, refreshed. But Mark is still here, apparently.”

“I always said that I was searching for a constant in my life,” she confirmed. “But it turned out that it wasn’t in Thailand. It was just Mark.”

Mark Singer, 32, a former resident of his parents’ loft conversion, reportedly began claiming territory by constructing ‘art projects’ in the living room. These gradually evolved into doing lino cuttings on the living room floor “because there was more room here” and culminated in him bringing over a chest of drawers with his underwear and clothes in them. 

Sources are yet to confirm if this was a necessary part of the artistic process. 

“It’s not like it bothers me, except when he pees on the seat, or makes sarcastic rebukes to all of my jokes, or leaves his freshly washed butt plug next to my toothbrush,” fellow housemate Alison Mathers, 27, said. 

Tensions almost reached breaking point when Mark left his guitar amp in the living room, blocking the communal television.  

“I will bring it up eventually,” Alison insisted. “It’s just at the moment, I prefer to communicate my feelings and needs by closing doors really loudly and coughing from upstairs whenever he’s playing the ukulele at 2am.”‘

“I think soon it’s going to click that Emily and I quite like having the toaster plugged in, or that the shampoo isn’t communal.” 

“It’s not anything that serious,” girlfriend and housemate Julia Rudish, 28, said. “I think I would prefer to be poly actually, and let new people into the relationship.”

“I’m all for sexual experimentation,” said Emily, “but is she going to move all of these new sexual partners in, too?”

“Mark is still here,” Alison confirmed.

A Bryant

A Bryant is a 25-year-old freelance writer from Devon and spends most of her time trying to get people to swim in the sea with her. When she isn't doing that, she writes poetry in her bedroom and sometimes plays up to five chords at once on the ukulele