Health & Fitness

The Headspace voice cracked on to me and now we’re going on a date!

By  | 

A London woman has reached the zenith of meditation by landing a hot date with the Headspace guy.

“I’ve been really digging mediation recently,” said Nadia Kirk, 30. “It costs a lot if you buy all the add ons and packages, but luckily, thanks to Headspace, I’m pretty chill about the debt that it’s sinking me deeper and deeper into.”

But a seemingly normal meditation was taken to the next level this morning, to Nadia’s surprise.

“He was just saying the usual things, telling me to take nice big deep breaths etc,” she explained. “And then he said: ‘And with the next out breath… imagine me on the beach. Just coming out of the water, with my shirt off. Feel that weight… and contact… of my masculine energy.’”

“At first I thought nothing of it; it seemed a nice, relaxing image. I have no idea what he looks like, obviously, but from what I can gauge from the timbre of his voice, he sounds like a man who can comfortably fill a Speedo.”

But rather than being a kink in the software, the Headspace guy was clearly just getting started.

“He then asked me to scan down right through my body, feeling my breath as I go. And when I’d finished he said: ‘Wow, Nadia! That was quicker than usual! Have you been working out?’’’

“And I had been! But how could he know?”

Nadia was then told to: “Let go of any focus, allow the mind to be completely free, and meet me tonight at 8pm in this cool new pop-up bar in Waterloo.”

Despite the clear creepiness of the approach, Nadia is said to be looking forward to the date.

“It’s just refreshing to have an app which negs me less than Tinder.”

Cameron Loxdale

Cameron is a comedy writer and producer who has written for Newsjack and The Leak, plus a bunch of sketches, podcasts and shorts. His name is an anagram of Relaxed Cool Man, despite him being barely one out of three. The irony of a straight white man offering hot feminist takes is lost on him and it refuses to ask for directions.