Swimming pool noodles specifically designed to get you off

A new study into swimming pool noodles has revealed that, while they may look like innocent flotation aids, they’re actually intentionally designed for surreptitious public self pleasure.

The study, which analysed the design, structure and general irresistibly of pool noodles as a masturbation aid, as well as monitoring leisure centres across the country, found that 90% of female swimmers had, at some point, pretended to be a weaker swimmer in order to straddle one of those bad boys.

“The noodles are inherently phallic in shape, which subconsciously draws interest,” explained lead researcher, Professor Amy Andrews, 34. “They’re often also brightly coloured and inviting, and look so conspicuous as to actually decrease suspicion in others.”

“For example, we’ve all an elderly lady ‘subtly’ writhing in pleasure on a pool noodle, but the brain dismisses it, believing nobody could be that blatant.”

“They are that blatant.”

Regular swimmer, Mae Pinder, 26, said: “Honestly, I don’t know what you’re talking about. What you’re suggesting is disgusting. Now pass me a pool noodle I… er… don’t have great upper body strength.”

“Ahhh that’s the stuff.”