Four pairs of flatforms that say “I’d wear heels, but honestly, fuck that”

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Wanting to be a tall, elegant goddess when you’re out strutting your stuff isn’t too much to ask, right? Wrong.

When you want some extra height, it’s not always as simple as strapping on a pair of heels, because, let’s face it, whenever you do, you look like Bambi on ice.

For those times you don’t feel like spending all evening looking for the nearest thing to sit on, or blowing half your salary on blister plasters, flatforms are the next best thing. Here are four pairs that are perfect for when you can’t muster the energy to work it in real heels, which is always.

The double-soled trainer

Ever the crowd-pleaser, you can’t go wrong with a classic, comfy pair of trainers, perfect for dynamic movement. Of course, the extra depth in the sole has removed all flexibility entirely, but now you can pull off a stomp, clomp or shuffle better than anyone. Diverse. 

The biker boots

You’re too cheap to buy Dr. Martins, so why not try the next best thing? Don’t let those intense laces fool you, this army-sergeant-cum-wellington-boot vibe is perfect for everyday wear.

The ultra-thick flip-flop

Benidorm called, and it says some sturdy double-soled flip-flops are a bold and breezy choice for any occasion. Keep your exposed foot flesh away from the vicious stamp of other people by staying indoors at all times.

The Jesus sandal

Channel the Roman empire with a strappy number that’s sure to give you tan lines you’ll never forget. This unique look is a great way to let everyone know you and your toes are ready for summer; your little toe in particular, because it’s somehow fled its toe straight jacket and is poking out of the side. Jesus wept.

Jodie Irvine

Jodie is a writer, actor and improviser. She has the stature of a child and loves having it pointed out to her by people she doesn't know very well. Jodie was voted "funniest girl in the year" in 2010 and has been riding that high ever since.