Love & sex

Cute nicknames for you boyfriend’s penis that’ll subtly undermine his masculinity

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When left to their own devices, men have a tendency towards giving their penises needlessly macho and, frankly, slightly terrifying-sounding nicknames.

“Cock-a-saurus,” “King Dong,” “The Dick-tator”: they sound like WWF wrestlers, not something you’d want near an orifice. Have you seen a penis? Even those on the larger end of the spectrum could never accurately be described as a “Python”.

We love dicks, we really do. We think they’re ADORABLE. They’re soft, wrinkly, fit in the palm of your hand and are always pleased to see you: if they sold them in pet shops, we’d own several.

So we thought we should give them nicknames that are more representative of their cuteness. Here are a few suggestions for you to try out on your boyfriend’s little fella that he’ll definitely love.


Play on the word “Jezebel”. Guys really like it when you call their dick girls’ names.

Captain Pickle

An allusion to one of your BF’s favourite Marvel characters. Coincidentally also the name of your childhood dog.

The Little Prince

He wanted “The Duke”, but you felt this was a better fit.

Mr. Popsicle

There is something cute about the word “Popsicle” but adding a “Mr.” shows you take his manhood seriously!


"Your daughter shows an aptitude for reading and writing, but can get wriggly during carpet time" was what Billie's year two teacher wrote on her report card back in 1997. In her 26-year existence, no combination of words have gotten closer to articulating the essence of Billie's soul.