Cyndi Lauper re-releases ‘Girls Just Want to Have Fun’ with considerably more demands

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 I come home in the morning light, my mother says “when you gonna live your life right?”

This 1979 hit raised a question that Cyndi Lauper is finally set to answer. The legendary American singer-songwriter has surprisingly dropped an updated version of her classic song, with a plethora of new demands. According to the new politically charged track, girls now don’t just “wanna have fun” but they also want:

Equal pay

To be able to walk home safely at night without thinking about it

To be able to be friends with a guy without there being any creepy expectation of sex

To not be harassed in the workplace or just generally

Not to worry their pretty little heads about being patronised on an hourly basis

They just a’wanna they just a’wannnnna

To be able to message people on dating apps without swatting away dick pics like flies at a picnic

Not to be called “love” or referred to as “the missus”

They just a’wanna they just a’wannnnna

Credit for things they say in the boardroom (not naming any names, Gary)

To be taken seriously in a work email and also in life

Not to be wolf-whistled at by a scaffold of pricks

To be believed by male friends or colleagues when being brave enough to speak openly about sexual assault

They just a’wanna they just a’wannnnna

To smash the concept of a glass ceiling

An end to patriarchal constructs which are embedded deeply in the roots of modern society

Equality, basically

Lauper’s record label is said to be concerned that none of these new verses even remotely scan, but are confident they have time to get a man in to fix it.

Cameron Loxdale

Cameron is a comedy writer and producer who has written for Newsjack and The Leak, plus a bunch of sketches, podcasts and shorts. His name is an anagram of Relaxed Cool Man, despite him being barely one out of three. The irony of a straight white man offering hot feminist takes is lost on him and it refuses to ask for directions.