Give him something he really wants: pictures of Spider-Man

It’s harder than ever, as a millennial woman, to make it in the big city and also find a man. Or, if you have one, keeping him.

Forget the long, complicated impractical sex techniques and whimsical, expensive ways of inventing hundreds of fun dates. It’s time to give men really want: pictures of Spider-Man.

It’s all well and good inviting a hot boy who you’ve swiped (the correct side. Please fix. Ed) on over to yours for an evening of “Netflix and chill”, but if you want to get him chomping through his cigar, you need high quality glossy 10×8 prints of that webbed menace.

And it’s not just new relationships. Jenny Wakefield, 25, and Mark Smallwood, 27, are a couple who were stuggling to reinject the spark after 18 months, what with work, Brexit, tube strikes, the collapse of late stage capitalism, and costumed criminals having balletic fights outside the opera house after another daring jewel heist.

They tried spa weekends, intense evenings of reciprocal sensual massage and being gagged with an orange soaked in poppers. But what really drove them wild was hi-res images of Spiderman, that they could plaster across their daily tabloid papers in a never-ending propaganda stream against vigilantes.

It’s easier than ever to get hold of these pictures, too. Apps like Spydr, Arachnaked and WllCrwlr can put out hi-tech calls for the sort of red hot 8-legged filth that can’t be supplied in the traditional way: by yelling at the student photographer who somehow always manages to get the pictures despite never being in the same room as Spiderman.