How to deal with a friend who won’t stop being more attractive than you

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Whether it was an awkward school friend who happened to be belatedly blessed by puberty, or you so happen to befriend the workplace stunner who turns out to be sweet and approachable, we all have that one gorgeous antelope of a friend who makes you look like an absolute turnip whenever spotted together. However, not all hope is lost as we provide some key tips to making yourself look better (or them worse, whichever is easier).

Give her a risky haircut

Convince your friend that you have decided to become a hairdresser, and to get into the most prestigious academy in town you have to practice for your big final, and that she has the perfect hair to practice on (because, to be honest, she probably has perfect hair). Cry, beg and plead until she allows you, making sure to reassure her she has the face to pull off any haircut (to be honest, she probably does) before giving her the worst haircut imaginable. However, there is a chance that she will, in fact, pull it off regardless. Which leads me to my next tip…

Establish a reputation as the “kinky” one

As popular culture dictates, sex sells. The more vanilla you can make your friend seem in comparison to your 50 shades of “wahey get into my sex dungeon” the better. Do whatever it takes to make people think you are a dominatrix, regardless of whether it’s true or not. Whether it is wearing a choker, brandishing a whip or making your colleagues wear ball-gags at any appropriate time. An added bonus of the ball-gags means at last you can get a word in edgeways in important meetings, and finally get credit for your ideas!

Pretend they are a ghost

This may seem leftfield, but when a prospective suitor turns up and tries to talk to your friend, you can look confused and disturbed, asking “why are you talking to the empty space?” and “I came here by myself”. When he tries to protest, you must suddenly gain an understanding look and whisper “can you see her too?”

You can then make up a long story on how your friend passed away (the less sexy, the better), and how her spirit follows you everywhere, and how she can’t move on to the other side until she knows you’ve found someone to spoon with after mediocre sex.

Marry them

That’s right, if they swear to you and you only in the eyes of the Lord, then no one you fancy can choose them over you. Some may say “but that doesn’t make any sense” and “are you telling me you’re gay?” to which I say, we’ll see who’s laughing when you are sitting on your honeymoon with a beautiful woman who has admitted in front of everyone that she loves you. You, an actual turnip! This is definitely what Jesus meant when he said “for better, for worse”.

Ruby Martin

Ruby Martin is a comedian, cartoonist and writer who has been described as "hilarious", "otherworldly" and "having an extraordinary collection of facial expressions". She once had a tweet liked by Rob Delaney, so that's something.