Mother of the bride spends wedding giving daughter’s number to handsome strangers
Not one to contradict a lifetime of non-consensually sharing her daughter’s contact details with any passing eligible man, Phillipa Bradford, 61, succeeded in giving out Lucy’s phone number to eleven separate men, on Lucy’s own wedding day.
“She didn’t really need to – it’s on the fucking invitation,” said Lucy, with no trace of surprise, let alone indignation. “I once complained about being single when I was 19, and by the end of the day she had given my Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn details to an American actor playing Trotsky on the West End. Then she passed it on to a Welsh Large-Animal Veterinarian who ‘looked just like Prince Harry’, and an Invictus games athlete with no left arm and severe PTSD.”
“LinkedIn really is the best way of assessing a young man’s prospects,” Phillipa offered, with a conspiratorial air. “Why bother with all that swiping left and right that young people go on about when you can just see straight up how far a man is away from his next promotion, as well as whether he has a good clutch of A-level results.”
Lucy was not even mildly perturbed to see her mother approach every man conceivably under the age of forty-five attending the wedding, including her new brother-in law, the best man, and the registrar.
“It was really touching to overhear Phillipa talking to my uncle about how proud she was of Lucy’s many achievements, her kind heart and her exceptional mind – but then I’m pretty sure I also heard her discuss how Lucy had a ‘spectacular’ figure, went for regular bikini waxes and had very functional ovaries,” said Paul, the groom.
“I like Paul, I really do,” said Phillipa, “But Lucy needs to know she has so much to offer – she doesn’t need to settle.”
Lucy decided not to remind her mother of Paul’s career as a human rights barrister, nor his good looks and exceptional talent on the violin – Paul’s mother could be heard remunerating these many qualities to every woman in the room, including the twelve-year-old twin bridesmaids.