Fuck, marry, be my dad: the nation struggles to figure out exactly what is they want to do with Gareth Southgate

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There’s no doubt about it, Gareth Southgate has charmed us all. The manager of the England football team has not only gotten England through to the semi-finals, he’s done it while being really bloody nice and looking lovely in a waistcoat.

We’re a nation gone Southgate-crazy. Many, however, are struggling to pinpoint the exact nature of their feelings for him. Is it love? Lust? Or do we just really want him to be our Dad?

“At first I thought I wanted to have his children,” explained Mindy Khatri, 26, “but then, after the Columbia game when he hugged that bloke off the other team, I was like, actually, maybe I want to be his child? I can’t figure it out!”

Mindy’s not the only one who’s been left feeling slightly confused by the England manager’s effect of them.

Graham Lawrence, 28, said, “part of me wants rip off his waist coat and lick sweat off his naked torso like a grateful human towel, but another part of me just wants to lie with my head on his lap while he strokes my hair, tells me I’m doing the best I can, and that’s all you can do, and that everything’s going to be OK.”

“I want to do things to him,” adds Graham’s girlfriend, Carla Jennings, 26, “but I’m not entirely sure what things. Maybe sex stuff, but maybe also I just want to draw him a picture and then for him to look at the picture a be like, ‘wow, that’s a great picture, I’m really proud of you Carla.'”

As a nation, we’re unsure as to whether we want to blow Southgate in the England changing rooms, or go to a Pizza Express with him on a bank holiday Monday and tell him about our new promotion. It’s all very confusing. But at the end of the day, we’re just grateful to have him in our lives.

To quote Atomic Kitten, Southgate, you are, truly, the one!


"Your daughter shows an aptitude for reading and writing, but can get wriggly during carpet time" was what Billie's year two teacher wrote on her report card back in 1997. In her 26-year existence, no combination of words have gotten closer to articulating the essence of Billie's soul.