Vegan baby wants to know if your breasts have a milk alternative

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A Shoreditch woman was shocked when her first born, Wysteria-Mae, began refusing to breast feed. Using sign language that she had learnt at a holistic baby communication session, Wysteria-Mae was able to signal that she would prefer almond or hemp milk to satiate her. She went on to labour the point by wailing.

The incident occurred in the Tate when Charlotte Westbrook, 29, took Wysteria-Mae for a walk around to acclimatise her to pretending to like art.

“I’d gone to the middle of the gallery,” said Charlotte, “because I believe that a woman not only has a right to breast feed in the public eye, but also that she should. It just shows you that when people get arsey, it’s more of a reflection on them.”

When asked, an observer explained “I didnt mind her breastfeeding, just don’t do it sat on a Tracy Emin.”

“I was shocked to find out she was vegan,” explained Charlotte, “especially considering that all she eats is milk and the odd bit of carpet. With all the gentrification going on, it’s no surprise that she has picked it up really. I personally don’t agree with packaging so I’ve just bought some hemp and am going to attempt to milk it by hand.”

Laurie Plowright

Laurie Plowright is a comedian and veterinary student. She is not only self-absorbed and narcissistic, but also wonderful. When she's not neglecting her collection of succulent plants, Laurie improvises with the Cambridge Impronauts, and is the co-founder of Stockings, an inclusive, all-female comedy troupe.