Ageing process sped up by realisation that the celebrities you fancy are younger than you

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A new study has shocked the nation today, after it revealed that learning the age of a celebrity you have the hots for can, in fact, make you age faster.

The unsettling research, conducted by a leading university in London, has suggested that there is a direct link between the moment you find out a famous person’s birthday is before your own, and the ageing of your disgusting peasant body. 

 “At first we thought that all of these young, attractive celebrities merely served as a gentle reminder of our crippling mortality,” revealed Dr. Martin McDonald, 47. “Upon further study, however, we discovered it’s so much worse. It turns out learning you’re both older and less successful that those you admire is as physically destroying as it is mentally.”

“I was watching a movie and thought the actor was quite fit, so I decided to give him a stalk on Instagram,” one victim explained, “then I saw photos of him celebrating his 21st birthday, and I was sick in my mouth. I found my first grey hair the next morning.”

It’s unclear at this stage how many people have been effected, but experts have warned that side effects may include feeling woefully unattractive, unproductive and unsuccessful.

“Wikipedia is no longer safe,” claimed Jane Palmer, 31, “I can’t look up anyone I fancy anymore without it resulting in me screaming ‘and what have I done with my life!?’ into a cushion.”  

“Did you know Saoirse Ronan is 24? I mean for fuck sake.” 

Jodie Irvine

Jodie is a writer, actor and improviser. She has the stature of a child and loves having it pointed out to her by people she doesn't know very well. Jodie was voted "funniest girl in the year" in 2010 and has been riding that high ever since.