Wow! These new aviators will make you irresistible to flies
Sarah Sheehan, 21, from Essex was recently compiling her new summer holiday outfit for a beach party holiday, when she had an unexpected wardrobe malfunction with a pair of aviators.
“I was packing my bikini and sunglasses, all the while imagining a holiday where I’d look like a model in a David Guetta music video. You know – the music videos of 18-30 holidays but with all the vomiting and crying cut out.”
She continued, “snyway I put on my newly-purchased aviators and realised that I looked like an erotic air-force wasp, I was absolutely devastated. How the hell am I supposed to party on the back of a drug dealer’s yacht if I look like I’d actually be at home on a picnic table?”
Friend Becky, added, “We’re going on this holiday together, and I think we both just wanted to look sexy, so naturally we reached for the reflective aviators. I’d hoped wearing them would make me Essex’s answer to Top Gun but I just looked like I had compound eyes. Why does everyone else look great in them? How far up their forehead are their eyebrows located so they don’t disappear behind them?”
Henry, a wasp from Basildon said: “Yeah, to be honest it’s a look that really does it for me. I see men and women wearing them, and they just give off this chill vibe like ‘hey, I like to hang out near picnics and bins.’ It’s actually very provocative.”
Henry’s wife, Brenda interjected “I disagree. I think the package-holiday look really detracts from what we wasps do for a living. It’s very off-brand for humans to see aviators and think Hawaiian Tropic and fish bowls full of Sex On the Beach. I think we need to reassert ourselves as piss-angry beer garden terrorists. We really do.”