Wow! These new aviators will make you irresistible to flies

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Sarah Sheehan, 21, from Essex was recently compiling her new summer holiday outfit for a beach party holiday, when she had an unexpected wardrobe malfunction with a pair of aviators.

“I was packing my bikini and sunglasses, all the while imagining a holiday where I’d look like a model in a David Guetta music video. You know – the music videos of 18-30 holidays but with all the vomiting and crying cut out.”

She continued, “snyway I put on my newly-purchased aviators and realised that I looked like an erotic air-force wasp, I was absolutely devastated. How the hell am I supposed to party on the back of a drug dealer’s yacht if I look like I’d actually be at home on a picnic table?”

Friend Becky, added, “We’re going on this holiday together, and I think we both just wanted to look sexy, so naturally we reached for the reflective aviators. I’d hoped wearing them would make me Essex’s answer to Top Gun but I just looked like I had compound eyes. Why does everyone else look great in them? How far up their forehead are their eyebrows located so they don’t disappear behind them?”

Henry, a wasp from Basildon said: “Yeah, to be honest it’s a look that really does it for me. I see men and women wearing them, and they just give off this chill vibe like ‘hey, I like to hang out near picnics and bins.’ It’s actually very provocative.”

Henry’s wife, Brenda interjected “I disagree. I think the package-holiday look really detracts from what we wasps do for a living. It’s very off-brand for humans to see aviators and think Hawaiian Tropic and fish bowls full of Sex On the Beach. I think we need to reassert ourselves as piss-angry beer garden terrorists. We really do.”

Ciara Jack

Ciara is a standup comedian and writer who recently had her ego validated by Funny Women by being nominated as one of their ‘Ones to Watch.’ She also writes and performs comedy sketches for BBC Radio Norfolk and Suffolk’s ‘New Comedy Show’ and is quickly becoming their regular Joanna Lumley impersonator. Her ‘not quite’ career path can be summarised by Julian Clary once telling her she could be his groupie.