What your best friends will be doing a month after you graduate and have all inevitably lost contact

Just five weeks after throwing their hats, and all changing their cover photos to prove it, Alina Bennett, 21, was “absolutely horrified” to find that she hadn’t spoken to her closest friends since.

“I mean, we all said we’d all keep in touch,” she explained, “and we still comment ‘MISS YOU’ on each other’s Instagram posts…does that count?”

The hats have hit the floor, and the post-graduate shit has hit the fan.

No matter how many bi-monthly texts you send, asking what they’re ‘up to these days!?”, you’ll never get the full catch-up you used to get when you shared a university flat and/or boyfriends. But don’t worry, we have compiled a list of what your best friends are probably doing, by type, one month on.

Sorted

Sorteds have somehow managed to immediately land on their feet having been chewed up and spat our by the British University system. No time for washing off the hunk the University’s salivary tract has left on them; they’re straight into a paid internship, a job relevant to their degree, or in a postgraduate program. Total bastards.

Thwarted

The Thwarted have applied to degree-related jobs but to no avail, and aren’t loving the idea of going back to work in the farm shop where they did their year 11 work experience. The Thwarted, just as the supporting characters of Tess of The D’Urbervilles, “deserved better at the hands of fate”.

All Thwarteds know the quotes of Hardy, thanks to their newly-acquired humanities BA.

Courted

In the throngs of love, the Courted are spending the month after graduation with their partner, taking it in turns to discuss the future, and change the television channel. Courteds are procrastinating before evolving into either a Sorted or a Thwarted.

They’re just enjoying each other’s company, and thinking about the flat they’ll share together one day, in 20 years time, when they’ve finally saved enough cash.

Exported

They’re in Berlin*. No one is quite sure why, but their feed looks sick. The Exported, too, are in a cocoon period before re-entering the grim reality of post-graduate life. Goals.

*Interchangeable with any large European city.