Met Office declares it’s too hot to fuck

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The Met Office have announced that UK temperatures will tip over the ‘fuck point’ this afternoon.

The fuck point is the temperature at which it becomes medically inadvisable to bone, usually measured by the depth in centimetres that coital perspiration soaks into a standard issue mattress (set in the UK at 11cm, the halfway point).

A senior Met Office analyst warned, “we’re seeing temperatures today that will really melt your balls. Like, right into custard. Seriously, you know those YouTube videos of slime? Think that. But made of balls.”

“Seriously, my husband and I tried this morning, and I’m pretty sure we vacuum-boiled one of my kidneys, à la Heston Blumenthal.”

The air temperature fuck point was codified into the Met Office warning system in 1976, the hottest summer on record until this year, when a free love orgy in the woods outside Saffron Walden spontaneously combusted. Several hippies sadly died.

Luckily a cold front will approach the UK tomorrow from the north. The resultant pressure drop could cause headaches, which is great news for anyone who prefers a hackneyed, outdated excuse for avoiding sex with their partner.

The Met Office advises that cunnilingus is safe to undertake, but not widely forecast.

Updates to follow.

Catherine Brinkworth

Brinky is a writer with credits on BBC Radio 4 Extra's Newsjack. One day her autobiography will be called Brinky and the Pain.