Woman who killed eight cactuses wants to hold your baby

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A Leicestershire couple were alarmed and surprised when an old friend stopped by unannounced to celebrate the birth of their child.

Jennette, a university friend who changed courses from medicine to finance because she realised she “wasn’t naturally caring” stopped by with several gifts for the baby, all of them age inappropriate and dangerous.

“One of the gift bags just contained a polythene bag and some loose ant powder,” said Kerry, the concerned mother of baby Pearl.

Balancing her cup of tea on the arm of the sofa, Jennette enthusiastically asked, “can I hold it? Er…him?”

Kerry, who has read four books on baby first aid, explained that she was a bit weary due to their shared past. “Jen naturally brings devastation to everything she touches. She goes through a desk cactus a week and when we went on holiday to the Galapagos, one of those ancient, indestructible turtles just keeled over when she looked at it.”

Unwittingly, Pearl chose this moment to throw up all over the beige Habitat rug she was sitting on, causing Jennette to have a change of heart.

“Actually, I won’t hold her if that’s okay? I just don’t want to catch anything dangerous. I have heard babies are riddled.”

Luckily, one of Jennette’s presents for the baby was a bottle of Cif so she was able to save the day.

Laurie Plowright

Laurie Plowright is a comedian and veterinary student. She is not only self-absorbed and narcissistic, but also wonderful. When she's not neglecting her collection of succulent plants, Laurie improvises with the Cambridge Impronauts, and is the co-founder of Stockings, an inclusive, all-female comedy troupe.