All the good men are taken! Really, they’ve been taken

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Any lady who’s spent some time dating knows that it can feel like all the good guys are already gone. Most of the time, this is just catastrophic thinking: they’re not all taken, you’re just looking in the wrong place! It’s so important not to get fixated on what you can’t have. If you find yourself idealising Jenny-from-the-office’s perfect husband, why not take up a new hobby? Get out of your comfort zone! You’ll see that there are plenty of great guys out there.

Except for this time. All the good men really are gone. Somebody took them.

Abandoned cars, strewn across the motorway. Nature reclaiming empty bachelor pads. The laundry of Good Men, blowing in the breeze, never to be taken down and folded. We have searched and searched, but there are no Good Men to be found. Perhaps this is the rapture. Perhaps we are the damned.

What horrible truth we have found in that old saying: “All the good ones are gay or taken!” Now they are. Some are both. They took the Good Gays, too.

Once, we feared we wouldn’t find a husband. If only we had prepared for the infrastructural challenges of all the Good Men being literally taken. Now we face shortages of Good Men Doctors. Good Men Train Drivers. Good Men Baristas.

But hang in there, ladies! Why not retrain in an essential career track? We really do need more baristas at this point! And if you find out where the Good Men have gone, you tell us. You tell us all. You call us to action, so we can take them back.

Ruby Clyde

Ruby is in a comedy double act called Shelf. She lives alone in the Hebrides with her loyal border collie, Shep. She wears exclusively cashmere and contemplates the sea, and has written her bio aspirationally.