Former goths struggle not to relapse during Halloween season

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As shops fill with spooky decorations, the nation’s ex-goths are fighting the temptation to fall off the wagon and start using black lipstick again.

Dr Jane Clarke, an expert helping former goths stay off the white foundation, explained how tough this month can be:

“Every October ex-goths are reminded of their days on the dark side by the proliferation of spooky, creepy and scary products. Constant exposure to awkwardly re-branded foods like Haribo Scaremix and Mr Kipling Fiendish Fancies, while harmless to the general population, can have former goths reaching for the nearest fishnet tights.”

One eyeliner user, who wanted to remain anonymous, told us her story:

“I bought a pair of bat earrings at the start of October– honestly just to wear once or twice in the lead up to Halloween – and before I knew it I was starting conversations about the production techniques on Cradle of Filth’s Nymphetamine (2004).”

“Then last week someone brought a pumpkin spice latte into the office. I had one sniff of it and woke up three days later in a graveyard reading unironically from a book of Nietzsche quotes.”

Dr Clarke issued the following advice to any readers who might be having similar issues during this season:

“Avoid plastic skeletons at all costs, and if you do start to feel overwhelmed, go and take some deep breaths in a supermarket Christmas aisle. A big huff of tinsel should give you enough time to remove yourself from danger and have a long hard think about why you still want to dress like a Tim Burton character at 25.”

Zoë Tomalin

Zoë is a comedian and assistant producer of TV shows, including ‘Room 101’ and 'Hypothetical'. She is a former member of the Cambridge Footlights and regularly performs as part of high-energy deadpan sketch outfit, Siân & Zoë. Despite her novelty pink hair, Zoë is an insufferable nihilist, but none of this matters.