Sorry feminists! I’m traditional: I like to cook for my man and make sacrifice to the Sun God

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I’ve always been a traditional girl. Growing up, I wanted to get swept off my feet and have that big white wedding. I wanted the 2.5 kids, the white picket fence, the whole bit. And you know what? Nothing makes me happier than staying home with the kids and preparing a beautiful meal for my husband after his long day at work, before scraping the leftovers into a roaring bonfire to praise the God of the Sun. Sorry, feminists! Not all of us want to be trapped in a dead-end office job!

Women these days are looking for fulfilment in all the wrong places. You won’t find the simple joy of folding your man’s shirts in the boardroom. Nor will you find prosperity unless you build a mighty temple and fill it with gifts to the Sun God.

It’s such a shame that little girls today are growing up with the pressure to be “modern”- a word that so often means “promiscuous”, and ultimately unsatisfied. To my daughters, I would say this: the boy worth waiting for isn’t looking for the girl in the short skirt and lipstick. He’s looking for the demure, quietly confident, and respectful girl who shares his values; who wants to raise a family, to support him through his struggles, and to put the enemies of the Great Deity of Light to the sword. It’s not “cool” to go out partying all the time- it’s cool to know that every heathen city set aflame pleases the Sun God, and that you’ll be rewarded with great riches in the afterlife!

So many people have lost sight of the long game. It’s sad, really. But I can’t help but think that we were all happier when we had something bigger than ourselves on our minds. People rush around, pursuing materialistic desires, and God no longer has a place in their lives. It didn’t used to be this way! In the 25th century BC, the Sun God sent his earthly sons to rule the earth, and O, the temples and the pyramids that they built were splendid. People knew what they were about back then! Sure, you might have died while dragging a ton of stone across a desert, but is that really worse than waking up every day and wondering what it’s all about?

All I’m saying is, don’t let anybody tell you that what you want is too old fashioned, or that you need to “get with the times”. If people make you feel bad because you want to live a traditional life, just remember that you have a sense of purpose they can only imagine. Then take the kids out to sacrifice two goats, and eat dinner around the table, like a real family. The feminists will never know what they’re missing! Praise Ra.

Ruby Clyde

Ruby is in a comedy double act called Shelf. She lives alone in the Hebrides with her loyal border collie, Shep. She wears exclusively cashmere and contemplates the sea, and has written her bio aspirationally.