Beautifully wrapped Christmas present definitely shit

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Joanna Wilson, 27, was delighted to receive a beautifully wrapped present from one of her family friends. The two-tone geometric wrapping paper was folded perfectly, and the colours were offset by a matching pastel coloured ribbon. A handmade label read ‘Dear Joanna, with love’ in beautiful calligraphy and no matter how hard she looked, no sellotape could be seen.

“It was physically painful to place it under my ugly Argos tree with all the other presents which look like they were wrapped by left handed cats,’ explained Joanna.

When asked to speculate on what might be inside, she was more hesitant. Previous gifts from the same friend included a book on the Industrial Revolution, a bowl of plastic fruit and a 4 pack of flannels.

“I’ve given it a shake and I can tell it’s not porcelain, which is a definite plus,” she began. “But there are still definite risks. There is a strong chance it’s one of those books you get from a stationary shop called ‘what would a mermaid do’ or something. I’m allergic to shellfish!”

Caitlin, who purchased and wrapped the gift, had carefully explained that there was no gift receipt as there was no need. “I’m not good at much, but I am good at gifts” exclaimed Caitlin, who has a successful business, two degrees and several sporting accolades, but bought her parents some chocolate covered stick insects for their silver wedding anniversary. “It’s all in the details”

Laurie Plowright

Laurie Plowright is a comedian and veterinary student. She is not only self-absorbed and narcissistic, but also wonderful. When she's not neglecting her collection of succulent plants, Laurie improvises with the Cambridge Impronauts, and is the co-founder of Stockings, an inclusive, all-female comedy troupe.