Four Christmas gift ideas that say, “I’m only getting you this because I knew you’d get me something, and I’ve got enough on without you making me feel guilty, Beth”

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Especially for Beth, who has decided to buy everyone she’s ever met a Christmas present, apparently. Here are four gift ideas that will help you stay ahead of the gift-receivers guilt, whilst simultaneously letting your Beth know that you’re only doing this to protect yourself.  


Everyone loves food, so a hamper is the perfect one-size-fits-all gift for the Beth in your life. The beauty of this cop-out option is that a hamper is essentially just a selection of different items all thrown together in a pile, leaving ample room for you to just grab whatever is on offer and fling it into a box. Minimal effort required for this one, especially because everyone knows dietary requirements don’t count on Christmas.


The perfect recipe for pampering, relaxation and a UTI, nothing says “not particularly thinking of you” quite like bath bombs. Provide for Beth in non-committal style by getting her a fabulous set of the glittery bastards, ideally one that has already been wrapped for optimum enjoyment for both of you. Of course, she lives in a rented single room in a high rise in central London, so chances are, she doesn’t even have a bath, but that’s not your problem.


If food and toiletries don’t take your fancy, the next best thing is the smartphone of the past – pen and paper. We’ve all held a pen, and now the Beth in your life can too. For added flair, try getting some stationary with a faux-feminist message emblazoned on it, like “Girl Boss.” Progressive. 


Now this is one for the show-offs. If you’re still stuck for a gift idea, try getting your Beth something from the “novelty” section of the shop. These gifts really mean nothing, to anyone, which is basically the same as meaning something to everyone. How about a plastic figurine? Are people still doing Rubik’s cubes? What about some pub quiz questions written on some playing cards? Everything is to play for with this one, making it the perfect non-gift. Nothing screams “I think of you as a Secret Santa level acquaintance” like some metal shapes you have to pull apart, for some reason.

Jodie Irvine

Jodie is a writer, actor and improviser. She has the stature of a child and loves having it pointed out to her by people she doesn't know very well. Jodie was voted "funniest girl in the year" in 2010 and has been riding that high ever since.