Report: Is coffee actually good? Seriously, I can’t tell

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A recent report by the Office For National Statistics has found stunning evidence that most coffee drinkers don’t crave the Java for its taste. With sources (a guy wearing one of those Peaky Blinders hats at a house party I went to last month) saying coffee is the second-highest traded commodity in the world, Succubus decides to investigate. So basically, here’s five freelancers we asked.

Q: Is coffee actually nice to drink in terms of taste and mouth-feel or are we all just playing our parts on life’s great stage, waiting to die?

The answers:

Sally, 27

Cute Paw Tattoo

“Yes! Don’t even talk to me until I drink all the coffee I can get my little trotters on and then don’t talk to me until I eat the cup! That’s right! I eat the ceramic mug afterwards! Crunch, crunch! Coffee, coffee, coffee! Black like my soul, ha ha! Mondays, right?!

Grace, 32Woman About to Drink from Plastic Cup

“Ha, you’re a sweet kid. But you won’t catch me dead in a Costa, honey. They have massacred the roast in this country. I swear, you haven’t lived until you’ve smelled, just smelled, the aroma of a Kopi Lawak bean as it shoots out of the ass of an Indonesian Civet Cat. I’ve literally got my nose in a Civet’s asshole right now. Don’t even talk to me until I’ve huffed my magic asshole-beans.”

Rachel, 19Person Holding White Ceramci Be Happy Painted Mug

“I’m a tea person! Can’t sleep without a tea. Do you see how I’m fingering the handle of this mug and cradling it in two cold hands like a baby bird with a broken wing? Do you see that? ”

 Grace, 32

Woman Holding Wine Glass Selective Focus Photography

“Stop calling me at home during dinner.”

Bianca, 22

Woman in Grey Jacket Sits on Bed Uses Grey Laptop

“Tastes like dirt, makes my tongue feel crazy. 2 stars.”

Mary-Grace Brunker

Mary is an Australian living in London which is nothing short of interesting and brave. The pigeons here walk really slowly in front of you and then wait until you are basically stepping on them to fly directly upwards into your mouth, god I hate this garbage town. She is one third of a comedy group called The Fish Girls.