Report: Is coffee actually good? Seriously, I can’t tell

A recent report by the Office For National Statistics has found stunning evidence that most coffee drinkers don’t crave the Java for its taste. With sources (a guy wearing one of those Peaky Blinders hats at a house party I went to last month) saying coffee is the second-highest traded commodity in the world, Succubus decides to investigate. So basically, here’s five freelancers we asked.

Q: Is coffee actually nice to drink in terms of taste and mouth-feel or are we all just playing our parts on life’s great stage, waiting to die?

The answers:

Sally, 27

“Yes! Don’t even talk to me until I drink all the coffee I can get my little trotters on and then don’t talk to me until I eat the cup! That’s right! I eat the ceramic mug afterwards! Crunch, crunch! Coffee, coffee, coffee! Black like my soul, ha ha! Mondays, right?!

Grace, 32

“Ha, you’re a sweet kid. But you won’t catch me dead in a Costa, honey. They have massacred the roast in this country. I swear, you haven’t lived until you’ve smelled, just smelled, the aroma of a Kopi Lawak bean as it shoots out of the ass of an Indonesian Civet Cat. I’ve literally got my nose in a Civet’s asshole right now. Don’t even talk to me until I’ve huffed my magic asshole-beans.”

Rachel, 19

“I’m a tea person! Can’t sleep without a tea. Do you see how I’m fingering the handle of this mug and cradling it in two cold hands like a baby bird with a broken wing? Do you see that? ”

 Grace, 32

“Stop calling me at home during dinner.”

Bianca, 22

“Tastes like dirt, makes my tongue feel crazy. 2 stars.”