Five quirky Christmas jumpers to hide your lack of any discernible personality

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Everyone loves an ugly Christmas jumper, especially those who struggle to project an image of being in any way interesting and need a visual crutch to convince others they too can be a “laugh” and “random”.

The Pop Culture One

Show the fellow humans at your office that not only are you willing to debase yourself in the name of festive cheer, but like them, you too also consume “popular culture”. Darth Vader, but he’s embedded in an alpine knit? How incongruous. Your capacity to demonstrate irony will fool others into thinking you aren’t the human equivalent of an unseasoned  boiled egg.

The One With Lights

Well done, that bulky led battery pack digging into your back all day is a small price to pay for your acceptance into the social group and thus, your survival.

The Rude One

So you’ve cut the boob out and stuck a red nose on it to emulate a reindeer. This will cover for your inability to make a single joke for the whole rest of the year. Remember this  moment in the sun when you’re laughing at someone else’s joke because you don’t get it but want to seem smart.

The Conjoined One

Find a partner for this whimsical 2-in1 jumper. Perhaps you’re both the only mousy haired women in the office. Are you so bland people can’t tell you apart? Get your sweet revenge through what the dictionary defines as “humour”.

The Political One

You read The Guardian, we get it.


And there you have it, choose wisely and a good Christmas jumper will do the heavy lifting of personality for you.

Emma Moran

Emma Moran is a writer and comedian who makes a living producing videos for the internet. Her work has previously been described as "witty", "fun" and "a cause for concern". She currently lives in London, sharing an apartment with two flatmates and some persistent damp.