Positive affirmations that won’t resonate because you are a disgusting little worm

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At certain points in our lives we all get stuck in unhealthy thought patterns, not unlike the never-ending title screen of the Click DVD you just fell asleep in front of. At these times the world can feel dark and scary and few things bring you happiness. However, according to the advice of some mental health forums we found by googling “how do I stop feeling like I’m in an escape room where there is no escape”, repeating positive affirmations to yourself can apparently bring some light into your life. Cute!

Unfortunately, you are a horrid, lowly worm who deserves nothing more than the blackness of soil and the company of other grubs, so sadly these just won’t resonate. Here are just a few of the hundreds of positive affirmations that you can’t relate to:

I deserve happiness

This is probably really inspiring for people who aren’t disgusting little worms, but sadly that isn’t the case for you. We’re sorry to tell you, but you’re doomed to a life of never-ending sorrow. C’est la vie!

 I possess the qualities needed to be successful

Recently you’ve been trying to be more honest with yourself, which is hard when you’re a festering invertebrate. That honesty means you couldn’t even begin to relate to this. You belong deep within the earth, but not in a fun way like in A Journey to the Centre of the Earth, so you simply can’t ever be successful. Such a bummer, right?

 I am indestructible

Technically, this one is kinda true! If you’re cut in half you might become two separate, although still disgusting, worms. That’s one of the positives of being a worm. However, you’re still liable to be crushed underfoot by a big brute, so don’t get too cocky!

I am the person I am destined to be

This one isn’t relatable because you’re a loathsome earthworm, not a person. On a positive note though, you might not always be a loathsome earthworm forever! Worms can change, too.

You’ve not been able to connect with any of these positive affirmations, but that’s absolutely fine. Worms are resilient and you’re Queen Worm, wriggling through the muck to claim your rightful place on the throne. Go get ‘em worm!

Imogen Trusselle

Imogen is an odd little gremlin child who has no idea what she’s doing with her life. She tries stand-up once a month, before she becomes too overwhelmed by it and has to take a few weeks off just to calm down. Honestly, if everyone could just get off her back about stuff that’d be great.