How often do you wash your towels? If it’s less than every day you’re disgusting and don’t deserve to live

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There is nothing like a warm fluffy towel to wrap yourself in after a shower. But could you actually be drying yourself with something that’s unclean? Well, good news, as we asked an expert exactly how often to wash these cosy comforters and she told us that if you’re doing it less than every day you are a filthy degenerate and deserve to be spat upon by all of your close friends.

“Your towels are a breeding ground for gross and evil bacteria and they can really build up on them in just one day,” said Professor Helen Crust, who gives hygiene advice to women around the globe (just women for some reason).

“These bacteria are everywhere. They’re watching you. Are you scared yet? You should be scared. And we’re talking the worst kind of bacteria: faecal bacteria. That’s right – bacteria from your butt. So if you don’t wash your towels every day, then you’re rubbing butt juice all over your nasty little self. You are shit, both literally and figuratively.”

Wasn’t that handy to know? Professor Crust also offers further useful advice for towel care, saying you should wash them at 60 degrees as well, because what does it matter about saving the environment if you are still left to wander desolately in the desert anyway, cast out from society because of the revolting bacteria-ridden rag you rubbed on yourself.

It’s a similar story for dish towels too. Experts recommend you should wash these multiple times a day as they can pick up bacteria even more easily.

“Basically, as soon as you take these out of the cupboard then, ew, they are contaminated,” said Professor Crust.

“Air is gross. Clean dishes are gross. You are gross. As soon as they’ve touched something they are gross. The only truly safe way is drying one plate, and then immediately washing them.”

So, if you’re not running home from work three times a day to put on a wash, you are a foul demon and should have your stinky self sent straight to the abyss. Great to have that cleared up!

Thanks to our expert, all you need to do to keep your towels super fresh is follow these easy steps. Happy laundry everyone! Apart from those of you don’t follow this advice, who can burn in hell.

Vicky Richards

Vicky Richards is a writer and editor who attaches nearly all of her self-worth to the number of followers she has on Twitter. She has been described by friends as “funnier than some people, I guess” and thinks this is likely to be the best accolade she is ever going to get.