Health & Fitness

Four fake diseases to tell your boyfriend about so he keeps washing his hands after this blows over

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If there’s one positive from this whole thing, it’s that Jeremy, your boyfriend, has finally started actually washing his hands. The relief! The joy! No more watching him walk confidently back from the toilets of the restaurant you’re eating in with a smile on his face and his hands bone dry.  He’s going to steal one of your chips later, and you’d prefer it if they didn’t come with a side of his own piss, thank you very much.

He’s not even pretended to do a cursory wipe of his hands on his jeans to pretend as though he might have given them a rinse. Nothing.

You and him both know where he’s been, what he’s been doing and what he’s been touching while he’s been doing it. Is this some sort of power move? Some kink he’s into? Does he get off on a lack of cleanliness? 

Thanks to the Coronavirus widespread panic, this is one less thing to worry about, and you can go back to panicking about who the fuck that girl Poppy is he’s been texting and what that ball of hair he’s been keeping by his side of the bed is all about. But what happens when this Coronavirus thing dies down? Well we’ve got you covered, girl. Here’s four fake diseases to tell him about so he carries on washing his disgusting, meaty paws. 

Late McGuyver’s Disease

This disease is super deadly and causes your skin to become magnetised, so if you come into contact with anything metal, your skin will just rip clean off. Keep washing your hands Jeremy I’m serious! 

Highly-strung Munchausens

This disease can KILL you in like five minutes if you catch it. Basically with this one all your nails turn upside down and start growing up your fingers, and then your hands eventually fall off! Jeremy, did you pick up some more of that soap on the way back? It’s really important! 

Johnson’s Flu

This flu is honestly so dangerous that a single sneeze causes you to shit out all your organs, like every single one of them. Then when you try to pick them up you trip over them and end up getting choked on your own organs! Listen Jeremy! It’s critical that you continue to wash your hands!

Equine Influenza

This one originated from horses, and pretty much when you catch it you better pick out your own gravestone, are you listening to me, Jeremy? I know you’re not washing your hands on the way back from the toilet. Why are you doing this? Are you doing this to hurt me? Who is Poppy and why are you texting her?

Succubus Magazine

This article was a collaboration between two or more of our in-house writers.