Lifestyle

Woman on third bath of the day begins new life as prune

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A woman who has upped the number of baths in a day to three in order to kill time has proudly announced she will now continue life as a prune.

Jessica Smith, 24, said, “we’ve all got to find ways to entertain ourselves and do a bit of self care in this difficult and stressful time, so I thought, why not just lean into it and accept my new life as a prune?”

“I was inspired by my recent trip to Tesco, where prunes were actually the only thing left in the store. I’ve since been studying the prunes for their way of life. They seem like solitary creatures, but with a hard centre – kind of like stone. That’s like me.”

“Every morning a add a little sugar to the bath too, so I can connect with my prune brothers and sisters, floating in syrup in a tin. I think they’ve accepted me as one of their own.”

“I’m pretty sure I taste delicious. And I don’t actually think I’ve ever been happier than in this new, shrivelled, wrinkly form. I highly recommend it.”

“The best part? I don’t even need to eat prunes anymore to improve bowel movements – they happen the minute I start thinking about my astronomical water bill.”

Kat Sadler

Kat is a comedian, writer and mentally unwell bisexual. She's written for a whole bunch of stuff like Frankie Boyle's New World Order, The Mash Report, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and other stuff, leave me alone mum, this is a real job. Check out her sad little blog here