Do your plants hate you? Find out in five easy steps

By  | 

Answer these questions as honestly as you can to find out how your plants REALLY feel.

1) When did you last water your plants?

a. I have them connected to a drip
b. mid-week
c.  At the coronation of Henry the eighth in 1509

2) You are going on holiday, what do you do with your plants?

a. Book them all seats on the plane and treat them all to something shiny in duty free
b.get a friend to look after them
c. wrap them in a carpet and throw them in a local reservoir

3)  How many plants do you have?

a. 4,000,000
b. between 3 and 14
c. Is astroturf a plant?

4) Where do you keep your plants?

a. They sleep in the bed, I sleep on the floor
b. on a sun soaked window ledge
c. Watford services

5) What kind of soil do you keep your plants in?

a. I have it imported from the site where mother mary appeared at lourdes
b. soil
c. Gravel and some cigarette ash

If you got:

Mostly As
You like your plants too much, and  they probably resent that. You are drowning them not just emotionally but also literally. Maybe you should get into weaving or dry stone walling or something.

Mostly Bs
You are a well rounded plant owner and they respect that. Everyone else finds you a bit smug though.

Mostly Cs
Your plants despise you. There is a special place in plant hell for you. You should be banned from keeping plants for ten years and face a hefty fine.

Laurie Plowright

Laurie Plowright is a comedian and veterinary student. She is not only self-absorbed and narcissistic, but also wonderful. When she's not neglecting her collection of succulent plants, Laurie improvises with the Cambridge Impronauts, and is the co-founder of Stockings, an inclusive, all-female comedy troupe.