How to cope even though Grimes totally just stole your baby name

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I know, it’s absolutely gutting, right? You had X Æ A-12 picked out ever since year 6, when you were playing Mash with some friends and the paper fell into the shredder.

This was further confirmed last year in Specsavers when you got asked to cover your left eye and read from the sign in the optometrist’s office. A big day – you found out your baby name and you found out you needed glasses.

We all know she’s a little bitch thief anyway, she stole the name Grimes from Frank Grimes, the dweeby character from the Simpsons that dies. We’re onto you, Grimes. 

Ugh, it’s just such a beautiful name. And bully proof. Good luck giving X Æ A-12 a snarky nickname, idiots.

The best thing you can do is count to ten and breathe through the pain. I know it feels like you’re never going to come up with anything as original and beautiful as that again, but you’re wrong. You can and will.

We have complete faith that you, too, can come up with something that makes your child sound like they let a drunk gorilla replace Rachel Riley on Countdown.

We recommend taking any letter of the alphabet, followed by a combination of vowels – adding any sort of weird letter amalgamation you like. Perhaps even an umlaut, or a jaunty accent, followed by whatever make of plane, spaceship or gun you can think of. It’s easy! 

Trust us. Isn’t baby Z Éê AK-47 gorgeous? Or how about little darling Y ¿ü Boeing 737? Lovely. Just keep working on it and one day you too can come up with a baby name that sounds like a secondhand game of Battleships that’s been left out in the sun. 

Kat Sadler

Kat is a comedian, writer and mentally unwell bisexual. She's written for a whole bunch of shows like Frankie Boyle's New World Order, The Mash Report, The Jonathan Ross Show, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and her own stuff too, thanks for asking. Check out her sad little blog here