Phew! Luckily women have been staying alert since the day they were born

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Women across the country are rejoicing today as it has become clear that their years of non-stop training will be finally put to good use. 

“If ‘Stay Alert,’ is vague code for ‘your death is imminent’ then this is my time to shine,” told Manchester woman Jess Michaels, 28, today. “I’ve lived my entire life in fear, never knowing what the end goal was. I now realise it has all been leading up to this.”  

“I first became aware of ‘staying alert,’ when I was 3,” said Watford resident Bea Phillips, 29. “When a 4 year old I was playing alongside pulled my pants down and a family friend told me that ‘he must just want to be your boyfriend.’ He was actually my cousin.” 

For many women, the new ‘Stay Alert’ slogan is a welcome justification to their years of rigorous discipline and practice. 

“It turns out there are some things only carrying your keys in your fist for 18 years can prepare you for,” shared Milly Anvil, 31. “When I go for a run at night, I can’t wear headphones, so I have to listen to my own disgusting breath instead. Now, I know the difference between my usual wheeze and an illness-induced one, so it was all worth it in the end.” 

For some women, however, the news is NHS clap that broke the camel’s back. 

“Sometimes I wish I could be less alert,” told Fatima Connell, 24. “Being tuned into the dickheadery of powerful men 24/7 is exhausting.”  

Jodie Irvine

Jodie is a writer, actor and improviser. She has the stature of a child and loves having it pointed out to her by people she doesn't know very well. Jodie was voted "funniest girl in the year" in 2010 and has been riding that high ever since.