Busy woman outraged that her cleaner can clean her house but not her conscience

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When Helen, a busy career woman from Hampstead, asked her cleaner to come back during the pandemic she was gobsmacked to learn that while the woman she hired could dust her mantlepieces and do her dishes, she couldn’t actually clean Helen’s conscience.

“It’s ridiculous! I’ve generously spent the last five weeks letting this house fall into absolute squalor so that she’d have plenty of work to do. And she won’t even thank me for it!”

Helen despaired that Emma, who has worked for the family for four years, couldn’t even raise a smile when Helen told her she’d have to come back or risk losing the job permanently.

“I told her, it’s simple. If you think your ‘life’ is more important than the condition of my vintage armoire, then you obviously don’t love your job enough! I thought she’d enjoy that because she knows I really do love that armoire.”

Helen hopes that Emma can get round to her conscience later in the week. “I know it’s hard to get to and there are a lot of bathrooms to do, but if she could just find the time to tell me that I’m a good feminist for empowering her by inviting her back and paying her again I would really appreciate that. I hope she comes round. I mean this pandemic is hard on all of us and we’re all in it together.”

Helen looks forward to a time when everyone can see how spotlessly clean her house is now.

“I personally can’t wait until it’s safe to go into other people’s houses again!”

Rhiannon Shaw

Rhiannon is a comedian and writer from Wolverhampton. While at university she was a member of the Cambridge Footlights. Rhiannon has been UTI-free since 2016.