Special mask exemption for men whose entire personality is having a beard

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Barry Remnant, 38, from Stoke has finally stopped campaigning his local council to relax its facemask policy due to civil rights, now that they’ve added special measures for men who need to make sure people can see their full beard. 

Mr Remnant came before the council last month and said, “As sure as my beard is long, I will never bow to government tyranny”, arguing the enforcement of face-covering was a form of prejudice.

He’s since ditched that argument on hearing the news of the exemption. Mr Remnant said, ” I don’t have much going for me aside from how long my beard is and it just doesn’t look as impressive with the face mask on. In fact, it looks kind of silly. I’m just the only one brave enough to speak about it.”

We have it on good authority that Mr Remnants friends agreed that he did look a bit more daft than usual when wearing a face mask.

One nameless colleague said, “When he has one of those generic blue face mask on, it just makes you see how scraggy the thing on his face is. It’s gross and the one good thing about lockdown is I don’t have to be seen in public with him anymore.

“Also, we were getting really stressed he was going to have to resort to buying a drone and making that his personality or something. Or even worse, craft beer.”

liam gillies

Unemployed poet, ex-professional wrestler, and amateur Godzilla enthusiast Liam Gillies is currently studying for a Masters degree in comedy while making podcasts and video essays for his website He has been writing and pitching TV shows for almost ten years now and blames his profound dyslexia for his lack of success, not the fact that he spends more time watching cartoons than he does writing.