Quick makeup looks for when the cops are coming and you have to be cool, man, you have to be cool, look man just chill out, they can’t prove anything, we’re gonna be ok

By  | 

So the cops will be here any minute and it’s all over if we don’t get it together. Would you stop crying for two goddamn seconds and let me think? Stop freaking out. We did what we had to, and I’d do it again, but I am not going down for this. Oh fuck, oh fuck. Grab your foundation and choose one of these simple looks that scream “composure” and “no, officer, I haven’t seen him in weeks”. 

Smokey Eye

A smokey eye is easy: it’s just a matter of blending liner and shadow. Easy to transition from day to night, striking in a mug shot, and perfect in 5 minutes, so we’ll still have time to hide the key piece of evidence that could ruin us.

Au Natural

Keep it together. He got what he deserved, if you ask me. Apply some primer, a little highlighter around the eyes (don’t forget to blend!), touch up your brows, and skip the mascara for a fresh and innocent look. 

Winged Eyeliner

For god’s sake, can you stop shaking long enough to apply liquid eyeliner in a smooth flick along the top lash line? Minimal mascara completes this simple but elegant look that’ll have that officer wanting to take you out and lock you down, not take you away and lock you up. 

Now just let me do the talking, and we’re gonna walk away from this. I promise. So long as everybody keeps their mouths shut, they can’t touch us. Be sure to set with powder. 

Ruby Clyde

Ruby is in a comedy double act called Shelf. She lives alone in the Hebrides with her loyal border collie, Shep. She wears exclusively cashmere and contemplates the sea, and has written her bio aspirationally.