Five fashion trends that aren’t as good as wearing your mooncup as a little hat

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Now that we can’t buy clothes in shops or even leave the house, you may ask – is fashion still relevant? Well, as someone famous probably once said “if it can be posted on Instagram for other desperate women to emulate – it can be fashion.”

Of course, no style has quite the piquancy of wearing your mooncup as a little hat – but here are five styles you could attempt before opting for a bold silicone chapeau.

Rainbow bush

You might consider a woman’s decision to stop trimming her pubic hair and dye it seven colours to be a personal matter. But with rainbows fully à la mode amongst the jingoistic NHS clap brigade there has never been a better time to capture your polychromatic pubes for Insta. Just whack a mustache icon under your clit so the bush looks like a wacky hipster’s bearded chin – the content filter will never know. 

Your Brownie jumper from 2007

Back living in the family home? Embrace your regression by digging out your old Brownie jumper. Brown, crop-tops and sew-on badges are all bang on trend. Plus you can rediscover the stain from when you had to tie it around your waist when you got your first traumatic period, age nine, camping in the New Forest. Your 97 followers will love that story.

Brocade corset

If you’re wondering whether restricting your breathing with  tight lacing is actually not very feminist – you are wrong! Buying a corset is making a choice to have a cracking cleavage. And what’s more feminist than making choices? Plus, last time corsets were in fashion no one knew about climate change, and that blissful ignorance is worth reliving.

Shaved head illustrated with Sharpie

With hair-cuts as illegal and less obtainable than Class A drugs, DIY styles are in! Borrow clippers from your boyfriend or dog, and buzz the whole thing off. Add an extra edge with Sharpie accents inspired by your Year 8 Converse high-tops. Song lyrics. Your crush’s initials. A single weeping eye. This style will really make your friends say “Hey Sophie just checking in that things are ok???”.

Pyjamas previously owned by notorious criminals

Be honest – when did you last change out of your PJs? Jammies are here to stay, but you can shake things up ahead of your next hot Zoom date. Tap into the latest true crime trends by trawling E-bay for pyjamas formerly owned by world renowned baddies. As long as they didn’t commit actual sex crimes and / or murder you can sleep easy at night wrapped in a unique piece of history. 

Whilst you have to admit these 5 fashion trends will get you some much needed attention  – nothing says “I’m a grown-up with a womb, a passion for environmental justice and a loosening grip on reality” quite like a teeny weeny mooncup hat. And that’s just fine. 

Freya Isabella

Freya is a fledgling writer and funny person. She is extremely tall, as male strangers like frequently to point out to her. By the time she was 19, Freya had achieved everything she had ever aimed for in life at 15. At 22, she remains desperately seeking new milestones of validation. Freya tweets here but, concerned future employers may judge her, deletes almost everything sincere or amusing.