Scientists working on new strain of the virus so you still have time to get hot

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A blessed relief to hear the news today that scientists have been working on a new variant of the virus so you have a little more time to get absolutely ripped, like you said you would a year ago.

Scientist Rachel Williams, 32, said, “It came to our attention that most of us haven’t had a moment to ourselves to actually focus on getting rock hard abs and pert arses because we’ve been focusing predominantly on surviving.”

She continued, “Studies have shown that many people are secretly hoping for a lockdown four so they have more time to comply with societal norms of beauty. So naturally we thought, rather than waiting to let nature take it’s course, we should just get cracking on a new version so you’ve still got time to order those weights.”

“It’s called the hot girl summer variant, and yes, it is deadly.”

Jen Hawkins, 28, said: “I am so relieved about this. I know we’re all desperate to get back to normal, but not this bloody quickly! I’m not ready! Please, just a little more time! PLEASE!”

She continued, “I thought April was ages away and I’ve only managed to do one Yoga with Adriene all year. I was busy just trying to not have a complete breakdown – what an idiot!”

Kat Sadler

Kat is a comedian, writer and mentally unwell bisexual. She's written for a whole bunch of shows like Frankie Boyle's New World Order, The Mash Report, The Jonathan Ross Show, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and her own stuff too, thanks for asking. Check out her sad little blog here