Toenail excited to fuck up your tights

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Your big toenail is absolutely jazzed to ruin your brand new upwards of 80 denier tights today, it told us in an exclusive interview.

“I saw you purchase them and thought, oh man, that material is in no way going to be able to restrain my jagged edges,” explained the toenail. “I am going to enjoy every second of shredding that thin black sheath and bursting through – like a flower bud in early spring.”

“To be honest, all you have to do is trim me more and this kind of thing won’t happen,” continued your toenail. “Except don’t do that. Ruining your hoisery is the one good thing I’ve got left to live for since you started wearing those Primark trainer socks.

“What, so I’m supposed to smell like a big cheesy bin all the time now? Just spend some money and get some real sports socks.”

Your tights responded: “We’ve been trying to keep it together but it’s just too hard, your toenail is as sharp as a blade and as determined too. Please, just get a pedicure. And take off that nail varnish for fucks sake, it’s been the same patchy red for four years.”

Kat Sadler

Kat is a comedian, writer and mentally unwell bisexual. She's written for a whole bunch of shows like Frankie Boyle's New World Order, The Mash Report, The Jonathan Ross Show, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and her own stuff too, thanks for asking. Check out her sad little blog here