Love & sex

That teddy bear you still sleep with knows all your weird sex stuff and is judging you for it

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Beloved teddies around the world have been coming forward this week to express the extent of the trauma they have had to face in your bedroom.  

Teddy, 23 from the British Heart Foundation, said, “I’ve seen too much for a normal stuffed animal to bear. And I’ve only got one eye.”

“I don’t mind what kinky stuff you’re into, but please, just turn me around so I don’t have to stare at it. Please. You think I’ve started to look a bit mottled with age, but it’s just the sheer level of disgusting sex acts I’ve had to see that’s forced me to shed most of my fur, and to discolour. I should be in mint condition.”

“Please, think about your stuffed animals before you choose to bring a potential new lover back into your home,” said Ducky, 19, from Hamleys. I don’t even go ‘quack quack quack’ anymore when you squeeze my chest. That’s not because I’m old. It’s because I’ve burnt it out silently screaming from the bottom of your bed.”

“We’re meant for children. Not for adults with attachment issues,” said Polly, a beloved parrot from the Beanie Baby collection. “Please don’t make us sit through your torment anymore. You gave away all my friends to Cancer Research, but you kept me. Why? Are you doing this to torture me? What did I do to wrong you?”

The toys agreed missionary was OK as long as they were at least five feet away from the bed and facing the wall. “Also, when are you going to tell Sam you spoon me every night he’s not there?” Asked Lamby, 27, from Wilkinsons. “The fact I’m inanimate doesn’t mean I can’t feel used. I’ve got a wife and kids stuffed down the side of your bed too. They don’t need to be seeing that.”

Kat Sadler

Kat Sadler is a comedian, writer and ball of anxiety. She's written for a whole bunch of stuff like Frankie Boyle's New World Order, The Mash Report, The News Quiz and The Now Show and The Daily Mash. She's currently the contract writer for BBC Studios comedy. She's here for a long time, not a good time. Check out her sad little blog here