Love & sex

Quiz: Which emotionally unavailable man should you waste three months on?

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How much do you hate yourself?

Johan Larson / Adobe Stock

Which emotionally unavailable man should you waste three months on?

Paul still lives with his parents and has no intention of giving up the sweet deal he has there. He's probably going to wait it out until they both die, and frankly, they're in great health. But he's quite funny and always seems to have enough disposable income to get a round in, so keep him around for another couple of weeks at least.

Damon may have a kazillion pack, but he also spends every waking moment in the gym, and his other hobby is looking at himself in the mirror. He will never love you as much as he loves his abs, but still... those abs...

Rick can cook and clean - he's perfectly house trained. He's also a clean freak and a clean-eating freak. Nothing you do will ever be good enough for Rick, he'll ditch you the first time you leave water stagnating by the side of the sink.

Brian is so smart. Nobody is as smart as Brian. Brian knows everything, including everything about how to do your specific job, and how to do it much better than you. Everything would be OK if Brian was in charge. You know this because he tells you on a daily basis.

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Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and The Mash Report. Sara makes it her business to be at least five years behind the latest trends, so she can devote more time to her Tamagotchi.