Love & sex

Four orgasm faces to practice in the mirror because you’ll never have one with pathetic Michael

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Michael’s really nice and funny sometimes, but his weedy exterior and general lackluster attempts at turning you on aren’t leading to the earth-shattering climax that you’ve been hoping for.

Still, it’s good to know what to do if the moment ever arises when you move on. Here are some of our favourite faces to practice on Michael for when you finally get things started with Max from Pret-A-Manger.

The ‘surprised’ face

Maybe even add a bit of “oh my God” to show how shocked you are about the whole situation. You weren’t expecting an orgasm and now it’s happened. Wow.

The “smiley” face

Just a big ol’ grin on your face the whole time. It’s reassuring to see your best self in the mirror, having a nice time.

The ‘oh, that’s it?’ face

One for the realists. All that build up for a tiny tiny firework. Not even a firework. A shit sparkler that slowly wheezes out like a discount birthday candle.

‘Poker’ face

That way, you get to keep it a secret. Between you and your orgasm. Nobody has to know, and it’ll be familiar for Michael, who won’t be able to tell the difference.

Kat Sadler

Kat is a comedian, writer and mentally unwell bisexual. She's written for a whole bunch of shows like Frankie Boyle's New World Order, The Mash Report, The Jonathan Ross Show, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and her own stuff too, thanks for asking. Check out her sad little blog here