Do I want to fuck Father Christmas, or do I just crave a father figure in my life?

Ok, so hear me out on this one girls. Ever since I was a young teen, right about when my dad stopped being a reliable authority figure, I’ve had this urge to fuck Father Christmas!

Something about that sex crushed red velvet, the snow-white fur, and the big golden buckle on his belt just gets me going. I mean, who doesn’t love a man in uniform?

I mentioned this in a casual conversation with my friend Dave, during a therapy session which I paid £70 for. He had the nerve to ask me if this yearning to fuck might have anything to do with the fact that I haven’t seen my dad in years! At first I was taken aback. Can’t a gal wanna fuck a jolly bearded guy who brings you presents when you see him once a year without it being the result of some deep emotional trauma? But then I got to thinking. It is weird that my dad walked out on Christmas Day, and now I want to bang the father of Christmas. Maybe me wanting to bonk Father is just a little bit Freudian.

God, this is such a minefield! I mean, do I appreciate the fact that he looks a bit like my dad? Sure. Is that the reason why I want to fuck him? Hell no! Well, I’m pretty sure it’s not. There’s really no way to know for sure. I mean, when I visited ‘Santa’s Grotto’ at my local shopping centre, it did look scarily like my dad’s ‘man cave’, which has sat empty since he walked out 10 years ago – frozen in time, and trauma. Help me out here ladies! I just need to know: does anyone else want to bone Mr. Christmas? Help a gal out, before this festive period becomes really awkward.