Love & sex

Do I want to fuck Father Christmas, or do I just crave a father figure in my life?

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Ok, so hear me out on this one girls. Ever since I was a young teen, right about when my dad stopped being a reliable authority figure, I’ve had this urge to fuck Father Christmas!

Something about that sex crushed red velvet, the snow-white fur, and the big golden buckle on his belt just gets me going. I mean, who doesn’t love a man in uniform?

I mentioned this in a casual conversation with my friend Dave, during a therapy session which I paid £70 for. He had the nerve to ask me if this yearning to fuck might have anything to do with the fact that I haven’t seen my dad in years! At first I was taken aback. Can’t a gal wanna fuck a jolly bearded guy who brings you presents when you see him once a year without it being the result of some deep emotional trauma? But then I got to thinking. It is weird that my dad walked out on Christmas Day, and now I want to bang the father of Christmas. Maybe me wanting to bonk Father is just a little bit Freudian.

God, this is such a minefield! I mean, do I appreciate the fact that he looks a bit like my dad? Sure. Is that the reason why I want to fuck him? Hell no! Well, I’m pretty sure it’s not. There’s really no way to know for sure. I mean, when I visited ‘Santa’s Grotto’ at my local shopping centre, it did look scarily like my dad’s ‘man cave’, which has sat empty since he walked out 10 years ago – frozen in time, and trauma. Help me out here ladies! I just need to know: does anyone else want to bone Mr. Christmas? Help a gal out, before this festive period becomes really awkward.

Imogen Trusselle

Imogen is an odd little gremlin child who has no idea what she’s doing with her life. She tries stand-up once a month, before she becomes too overwhelmed by it and has to take a few weeks off just to calm down. Honestly, if everyone could just get off her back about stuff that’d be great.