I won’t rest until I find a weighted blanket that can flatten me like a steamroller in Looney Tunes

I’ve seen it all: lavender oils, white noise, meditation. But these inferior sleep aids are hardly calming when I know that, somewhere, a blanket exists that could render my body entirely two-dimensional.

Sure, I’ve bought so-called ‘weighted’ blankets. Ten percent of my body weight? The dispersed mass of a long-haired toy breed? Don’t mock me.

Big Blankets throw us these security rags to distract from what we know in our hearts we deserve: a blanket that could flatten the human body like a steam roller driven by a giant blue land bird. You hear that, on the wind? It’s the meep-meep of a revolution.

Wile E. Coyote is not anxious. Wile E. Coyote does not eternally re-evaluate a night-out from 2017 when he overshared with a person he just met. Wile E. Coyote thinks nothing of this because Wile E. Coyote is a centimetre thick. Wile E. Coyote knows peace.

So I will not rest. Because I cannot rest. Not until the day someone sells me the blanket that will leave me unable to thrash around my arms and legs and soothe me like the five-foot eight new-born I am.

And when that day comes, I will, nay, we will rejoice. Because we are the daughters of the coyotes you wouldn’t flatten.