Health & Fitness

Shirtless man disgusted by breastfeeding mother

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A Slough man who walks around all day with his heavily perspiring torso on display is absolutely livid because he saw a baby having its lunch.

“It was totally obscene,” said Phil Rayner, 42, “she just whipped her bazumas out with no shame at all, and this kid just started sucking on them – in broad daylight. That’s not what boobs are for. Boobs are for leering at and motor boating. I’ll never be able to read Maxim again.”

“It was disgusting,” added Phil, before removing leftover mayo from his chest with his finger and eating it.

Sources close to Phil have reported that he recovered from his ordeal by visiting a local nightclub, where he spent a blissful evening making friends with passing women by chanting “get your tits out for the lads!”

Sara Gibbs

Sara is editor-in-chief of Succubus. Sara studied Writing & Producing Comedy at the NFTS and has written for The Now Show, Dead Ringers, The News Quiz and The Daily Mash. Sara crushes Wotsits into a fine powder before eating the remnants with her face (or with a teaspoon, in polite company).