Love & sex

Nice doctors your mum won’t be able to flirt with when the NHS is privatised

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There are several downsides to the encroaching privatisation of our NHS, but perhaps the most significant effect of the eventual eradication of universal free healthcare is the fact that your mum will lose access to all of the nice doctors that she likes to flirt with. Here are just a few of the doctors that she won’t be able to make feel anxious:

Dr Roland

Dr Roland has a heart of gold, and big, warm hands. Last time your mum visited Dr Roland, he went to check her heartbeat with his stethoscope, and she undid one more button than was necessary on her blouse, revealing one of the more expensive bras she had bought from M&S.  Dr Roland pretended he had to close his eyes to hear the sound better, and didn’t open his eyes again for ten minutes.

Dr Willis

Your mum invents gynaecological issues just so she can book an appointment with Dr Willis. She uses Google to find obscure ailments that seem like they would require extensive internal prodding in order to be properly examined. When Dr Willis is down there checking things out, she says things like “of course, things are all still pretty normal down there sexually – I’m still as active as I was twenty years ago”, and he goes really quiet for a long time.

Dr Reynolds

Dr Reynolds dealt with your mum’s knee surgery a couple of years ago, and now she’s deliberately careless when cycling in wet weather and walking on icy roads in the hope she’ll have another accident. When he was feeling your mum’s knee, he asked where the pain was, and she kept saying “higher, higher”, until his hand was halfway up her inside thigh. Dr Reynolds will no longer see your mum without a nurse present in the room.

David McIver

David is a very fun guy with lots of friends and stronger than all of the biggest dads. He is a comedian who has been selected for the BBC New Comedy Award and a writer who has written for BBC Radio 4 Extra’s ‘Newsjack’ and ‘The Show What You Wrote.’ He also draws cartoons that are sometimes too sad.