Beauty

Woman refuses to epilate as pores are “just more holes he’ll never satisfy”

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A Harrow woman has decidedly refused to epilate the hairs from her body proclaiming the act “pointless, and ultimately disappointing”.

Alison Beasley, 24, made the decision to throw away her epilator after another disappointing one-night stand, where she sucked literally all the hair out of their individual sockets on her body and Martin from Tinder didn’t even have a proper look or anything.

“I mean, for fuck’s sake” Alison explained. “I put in all that effort – even spreading my legs apart and lifting up my knee to get to the really tricky areas.”

Alison was gutted when Martin asked if they could actually just turn the lights off and spent most of his time trying to get into her one central hole – bypassing any appreciation for all the new tiny ones.

This was the final straw for Alison, who got home and threw away the little electric machine after a night of resolutely subpar lovemaking, before ordering several other different little electric machines from Love Honey.

“It’s just not fair to all the new holes that will be left feeling all fragile and let down,” Alison sighed. “I’ve got to protect them”

“Also have actually ever you tried epilating? It really fucking hurts. Like my God, it’s like being pinged by a billion elastic bands, and they’re all on fire.”

“I’m just going to stick to shaving from now on” Alison concluded. “At least then when I’m disappointed, two more hairs will grow in the place of one, and I wont feel so lonely afterwards.”

Kat Sadler

Kat Sadler is a comedian, writer and ball of anxiety. She's written for a whole bunch of stuff like Frankie Boyle's New World Order, The Mash Report, The News Quiz and The Now Show and The Daily Mash. She's currently the contract writer for BBC Studios comedy. She's here for a long time, not a good time. Check out her sad little blog here