Cute! Three salary expectations to put on job applications that say, “I don’t understand money yet”

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You’re fresh out of university with a degree in English Literature, applying for your first graduate job in social media. But midway through your 43rd application of the day, you get stumped by a sneaky question about your salary expectations.

How much do you expect to earn in this new position? You have no idea. This is your first job. You have literally no concept of being offered money for your labour, or if you’re worth anything at all. In fact, what even is money? All you know about money is that you owe £27k of it to Student Loans Company, so you’d better answer this fucking question right.

Here are three answers to put that will make you sound so adorably cute they have to hire you, or at least feel a bit sorry for you.

1) £1,000,000 please

If you’re feeling like a big money baller, you could put something like this. It suggests that you have literally no clue how the world functions. It’ll make them go “aww”, and then probably hire you because you’re a little clueless cutie pie.

2) I thought this was an unpaid internship

This suggests that you’re used to being hideously underpaid for your work, so ensures they’ll put you up for consideration. Just play dumb! Being paid for work is so last generation anyway. So long as you don’t mind being relentlessly exploited, you’re bound to get the job. 

3) A hyperlink to the Student Loans Company homepage so they can figure it out for themselves

They know how much you paid to qualify for a graduate job. This one is probably the most passive aggressive of the three, but it gets the job done. Like you would, if they hired you. It’s adorably endearing to put how much money you need, so the government doesn’t have a price on your unemployed, debt-addled head.

Kat Sadler

Kat is a comedian, writer and mentally unwell bisexual. She's written for a whole bunch of shows like Frankie Boyle's New World Order, The Mash Report, The Jonathan Ross Show, The News Quiz, The Daily Mash and her own stuff too, thanks for asking. Check out her sad little blog here