New research reveals that length of skin-care routine does not actually correlate to how together your life is

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A new study has revealed that time spent in front of the mirror with a ginseng toner does not accurately reflect successful life management. Additionally, owning a cleanser has been proven not to counteract the fact that you haven’t met your last three deadlines.

Phoebe Arras, 23, was surprised at this development. She said: “This really has come as a shock to me. I had just started an anti-wrinkle cream routine when this news came out. I thought I was doing myself a favour in the long run by protecting my skin, and taking that extra 40 minutes to blow-dry and “miracle oil” my hair, but it turns out I was just distracting myself from my crippling underperformance in the rest of my life.”

The results of the study are expected to “seriously disrupt” up to 48% of young women’s lives. Leading psychologist Trisha Merton, 45, who has two PhDs and six crows’ feet, commented that: “charcoal facemasks may pull out blackheads, but they quickly reappear, as do dirty dishes and unpaid rent.”

The outcome of the study is unprecedented, and moisturiser sales have plummeted – now solely purchased by the elderly and the clinically dry.

The experiment also looked into the ability of scented candles to cover the metaphorical stench of unanswered emails and missed calls from your mother. Their capabilities do not stretch this far. She is worried about you.

The research team is currently conducting a separate study into whether the aesthetic value of owning a Mac laptop is worth the poverty its purchase will place the consumer in. We can exclusively reveal that, thus far, the results do not look good.

Verity Babbs

Verity Babbs is a stand-up, sketch and improvised comedian with the Oxford Revue and Oxford Imps. Her performance mostly involves sticking ham to herself and declaring that she is “Hamlips, Prince of Denmark”.